It still almost sounds cliche everytime I say it...I have breast cancer. What is not cliche is that I am only 32 with no family history of cancer. Two weeks before I was diagnosed I was bragging how I was in the best shape of my life having quit smoking 8 months previous and subsequently kick started a health kick that included working out and changing my diet from Doritos and Pepsi to Lean Cuisines and water.
Of course I was still not content with my body even though I was a size 4 with natural "C" cup breasts. Now I just stare at my profile and wish that I appreciated this amazing body rather than constantly wish to be five pounds lighter. I stare at my profile and wonder how much my profile will end up resembling more of 12 year old boy with flat chest and buzz cut hair, rather than a busty, healthy 32 year old female. I wonder how different I will end up looking than my identical twin sister after the damage of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation has wreaked havoc on my body.
Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing...I am not "doing." My world pretty much stopped when I was told that I will lose both my breasts and that for the rest of my life, I will only have tattoos as nipples. But that of course is when the reconstructive surgery is done. That before I even get to that point I will have to go through six months of chemotherapy and possibly radiation. That during that time I will have to go to client meetings, City Council hearings, even the friggin grocery store without boobs or hair.
And of course they should have warned me the second they told me that I have cancer that not only am I going to have to deal with that blow but that I will have to help everyone else deal with "my cancer." I thankfully have the most amazing support group between my friends and family to the point that they are literally fighting over who gets to take me to my doctors appointments. However, I have to remind myself that the range of reactions and odd responses are just the different ways that everyone is dealing with the news in their own way.
So I sit here tonight on my couch with my two boys (Sven and Oli, my two 20 pound cats) sleeping next to me and it would appear that this would be just like any other Tuesday night. The only difference is the constant phone calls ranging from people I haven't heard from for years, to family and friends, and people who saw my blog on myspace, constantly reminding me that despite how cliche it sounds I have breast cancer.
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Lindsay ... here I am, one of those long lost souls from your past who has thought of you often, wondering what that sweet girl from Summit is doing these days. I've imagined your life many times while my mom filled me in on all the grand things you and your sisters have done over the years. Reading your words now, I am brought to tears by both your incredible beauty and the utter unfairness of life. What an AMAZING woman you have become!!! I always knew you were one of those beautiful people ... running around the mountains with me as a kid, wildly graceful and free, while our mothers caught up on their chatter back at the house. Hold onto that ... to that core of who you are, despite all else that has happened to you. This will never be "okay," but somehow you will find a way to be okay with it. The words you wrote here made it perfectly clear that you will find your way through this. Somehow.
There is nothing I or anyone can say or do to make any of this better for you, I know that. I also know that a million people will probably try to make it all go away for you, which they can't. And doctors ... you are blessed to live in a country with incredible medical technology (and fabulous plastic surgery!!!) and cursed to live in a world where doctors sometimes lack bedside manners, and sometimes forget to tell you what you need to know, and sometimes get frustrated with you for being human, and sometimes disagree with your other doctors … thus somehow finding ways to totally confuse you and terrify you and give you hope all at the same time.
So get angry when you need, cry when it comes out, embrace the laughter when it finds you, and let yourself not think about it when you need a break and your mind allows you the time away. Forgive yourself up front for all the social etiquette rules you break, you’ve earned a free pass to be emotionally selfish!
The best thing I think the rest of us can do is allow you the freedom to mourn and grieve "at," "to," and "with" us at different times as you need ... and to help you heal, in BODY, mind, and spirit.
Whatever it takes.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair. It's not right. I wish you numerous spaces of peace and calm, so you can rest up to weather the storms ahead.
My love goes out to you ... beautiful Lindsay.
-Gretchen (Leuszler)
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