On the road again...

So tomorrow morning Brooke and I are headed out to go check out the world's biggest ball of yarn, Paul Bunyon and his blue ox, and gorge on grilled cheese sandwiches. In the meantime, Brooke and I celebrated our birthday with amazing friends and the llama (a.k.a. SUV stretched limo that seats 20 people complete with lava lamps and disco ball). It was an amazing night filled with tons of laughter, drinking, and dancing.

Having such a wonderful birthday with my friends and family (even Mike, Brooke's husband made it out!!) and now headed out on such an adventure has renewed my spirits and got me anxious to just finish out the rest of my treatment.

So close yet so far away

So I got the official word that I am also to undergo radiation treatment...my hopes of this whole ordeal being over in a few more weeks is over. I wouldn't be so devastated if they had told me from the beginning that I would also have to do radiation but to find out when I thought I was only six weeks away from total recovery has honestly left me numb. I thought the physical and emotional toll of this ordeal would be complete by now and now I have to come up with more strength-where will it come from?

I will have a bit of a respit before I start radiation though. I won't start radiation until August 4th, so I will still get to enjoy Brooke's and my birthday-which will regardless, be one hell of a party!! Then Brooke and I will road trip across the country so that I will have time to hang out in Virginia before starting the next round of treatment. We can't wait to find the world's biggest ball of yarn, stop by Paul Bunyon and his blue ox, and gorge on grilled cheese sandwiches so that we can write the authoritative book.

I have always joked that my life is all about damage control-I guess its no longer a joke.

I am done!*

This morning I was so ecstatic to think that this constant cycle will finally be over. I met with the posse and we had our usual breakfast at Mimi's Cafe and after two mimosas, headed to the doctors...

*After finally meeting my oncologist for the first time since my first chemotherapy she announced that I will likely have to go through 6 1/2 weeks of radiation, five days a week. This was devastating news because I had it planned to get my reconstructive surgery in six weeks and then finally be done. Instead, I will have to endure more painful treatment and I will not be able to get my reconstructive surgery for a year after my last radiation treatment.

On Thursday, I will be going to a specialist who will confirm whether or not I will have to do radiation. Until then, I am just going to celebrate that at least the chemotherapy is complete and this will be the last week of metallic taste, nausea, and extreme fatigue.

Nearing the Finish Line

So I am less than a week away from my last chemotherapy and I find myself experiencing an array of emotions. Most obviously, I am extremely excited to end the three week rounds of chemotherapy. But another odd emotion is also hitting me...it's a sense of loss that is really starting to hit me. I have begun to really miss my old ta tas. I guess when I had the mastectomy, there was so much more I still had to go through that I never had time to really deal with the loss. Now that the treatment is over, it's really starting to hit me how my breasts will never feel natural again, that I will never be able to sleep on my stomach, or breast feed in the unlikely chance that I will be able to bear children.

I am also starting to feel a sense of loss of control. I have spent the last six months fighting this cancer and after this last treatment, I won't be doing anything proactive to fight the cancer. I have spent all my energy, time, and emotions to fight this endless division of my cells...it's hard to imagine what comes afterwards.

However, I do look forward to my change in title from someone WITH breast cancer to a SURVIVOR of breast cancer!! In this regard, I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen cancer walk on September 8th. I can't wait to wear the pink survivor t-shirt :) I can't say enough how much support I have received and how important it has been getting me through this. I ask now for your final support to help other women with breast cancer become survivors. If you would like to support my team or contribute, please go to my Personal Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/Team_Lindsay or my Team Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/TeamLindsay.

Running to stand still...

My life has become a repeat of three weeks-over and over again. Week 1 - Starts on the Friday I receive my chemotherapy. Usually after the 4-5 hour treatment, I celebrate that I still have taste buds and energy and will enjoy my last meal for the next week. Over the following week, I will continue to weaken and the metallic taste gets so bad that even water upsets my stomach. By the second week, I begin to regain my appetite and will start walking again. By week 3, I feel almost healthy again and can finally complete my four mile walks. This repeat of sickness and fighting to get strong again just to get sick again leaves me feeling like I am "running to stand still."

Luckily there are some things that are making progress...inexplicably my hair and nails have actually started to grow again. While it appears that my hair is coming back curly, I am anxious to have anything more than a wig or baseball cap on my head!!

PCR Peeps are Representin!!

Three of my co-workers completed the Revlon Run/Walk for Woman last weekend...

thanks so much for your support Allyson, Maile, and Sandy!!

Finally recuperating

So the cumulative effects of the chemotherapy are really starting to hit me now. The last chemotherapy really kicked my @ss as I was pretty much out for the entire week afterward. This weekend is finally the first time I am starting to feel back to normal. It's been frustrating as I was really enjoying my walks which I have not had the energy to do and therefore, have been mainly secluded in my place. The only thing I have had to look forward to is my indescribable craving for ice cream shakes...thankfully there is an In-N-Out right around the corner and I highly recommend the new berry shake that Arby's has. Given my lack of appetite for anything else, I don't feel too gluttonous for my daily indulgence in a shake :)

I do have to mention some amazing news that I received last weekend. My sister called me from her best friends wedding in tears and while they were tears of joy it was the gift that the couple gave to me on their wedding day that had us both honored to have such amazing friends. Oh man, I am already tearing up again...Jody and her husband donated to the Breast Cancer Foundation under my name. I am in awe at such a selfless gift on a day that is to be dedicated to the couple. I am sure that Jody and Brian Davis will have a blessed union with such amazing hearts!!