Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My last transmission

I am of course elated being back to work and back to my old routine. Most of the time, it appears that the last eight months didn't occur. But then there are days like yesterday...where my oncologist called to tell me that my hormone levels were too high and she recommended that I have my ovaries taken out. Evidently chopping off my boobs and losing my hair wasn't emasculating enough-now they want my ovaries!! Then Brooke called in desparation. Being exhausted from taking care of my ass for eight months she now has to find the strength to pick up her life where she left and decide what direction to take it. In so many ways I feel that she has paid a higher price for "my" cancer. I concluded my day by going to a young women's cancer support group, which I thought would make me feel better. Unfortunately like therapy, things get worse before they get better. My life has become so juxtaposed so quickly that its been hard to acknowledge what I have been through. Therefore, telling other young women who were just starting their treatment; how to "manage" chemotherapy, that losing your hair really does suck, that you will only realize what it means to lose all feeling in your breasts after your mastectomy, or being told that you won't be able to have kids before you even get a chance to start procreating, brought back the last eight months like a swift kick in the ass!! As such, I left the meeting yesterday feeling rather exhausted. Exhausted because it really dawned on me that the emotional scars (and not only my own) may take longer to get rid of than the physical scars.

Needless to say I concluded my day with a nice bottle of wine! And as I sat in my place, with my two boys, getting shnockered, I had a reality check. That I am so lucky to have been able to reach out to so many people as I went through this experience to share my traumas, fears, hopes, and dreams. So many people of which many I am sure I will probably never get to meet but who took part in this journey with me. How lucky I am that I had so many people to listen to my "therapy" sessions and who undoubtedly provided me with the strength and courage that got me through to last night. So while undoubtedly the physical and emotional scars will probably continue to haunt me for the rest of my life, at least I will have a life left to haunt!!
loveme

3 comments:

Stacy O said...

Oh Linds, I am sorry! You're right, losing your breasts are bad enough but the ovaries too-how difficult.
Know that I think of you often. I have your blog linked from my blog so my friends and family keep up with you and send thoughts and prayers your way. You've already touched and inspired so many people...when are you going on Oprah anyway? ;)

Hugs,
Stacy

Anonymous said...

I think you should keep this blog going if possible. "Your" cancer has truly been a journey for so many people who love you and although most of us cannot possibly understand the depth of what you've experienced, all the thoughts, good wishes, and prayers will continue.
Love you,
Marilyn

Gretchen said...

Happy Holidays, Lindsay ... I'm sure you are more than ready to put aside this past year and ring in a new year!!! You are incredible for what you've endured and I hope this next year brings you some emotional healing. As you said, things may seem worse before they get better ... it stings to cleanse your emotional wounds, but with proper care, they too can heal. Your journey is clearly still not over, but hopefully you have already scaled the steepest slopes. I wish you and your entire family a much earned and well deserved HEALTHY 2009!!!!

LOVE,
Gretchen