Nearing the Finish Line

So I am less than a week away from my last chemotherapy and I find myself experiencing an array of emotions. Most obviously, I am extremely excited to end the three week rounds of chemotherapy. But another odd emotion is also hitting me...it's a sense of loss that is really starting to hit me. I have begun to really miss my old ta tas. I guess when I had the mastectomy, there was so much more I still had to go through that I never had time to really deal with the loss. Now that the treatment is over, it's really starting to hit me how my breasts will never feel natural again, that I will never be able to sleep on my stomach, or breast feed in the unlikely chance that I will be able to bear children.

I am also starting to feel a sense of loss of control. I have spent the last six months fighting this cancer and after this last treatment, I won't be doing anything proactive to fight the cancer. I have spent all my energy, time, and emotions to fight this endless division of my cells...it's hard to imagine what comes afterwards.

However, I do look forward to my change in title from someone WITH breast cancer to a SURVIVOR of breast cancer!! In this regard, I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen cancer walk on September 8th. I can't wait to wear the pink survivor t-shirt :) I can't say enough how much support I have received and how important it has been getting me through this. I ask now for your final support to help other women with breast cancer become survivors. If you would like to support my team or contribute, please go to my Personal Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/Team_Lindsay or my Team Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/TeamLindsay.

Running to stand still...

My life has become a repeat of three weeks-over and over again. Week 1 - Starts on the Friday I receive my chemotherapy. Usually after the 4-5 hour treatment, I celebrate that I still have taste buds and energy and will enjoy my last meal for the next week. Over the following week, I will continue to weaken and the metallic taste gets so bad that even water upsets my stomach. By the second week, I begin to regain my appetite and will start walking again. By week 3, I feel almost healthy again and can finally complete my four mile walks. This repeat of sickness and fighting to get strong again just to get sick again leaves me feeling like I am "running to stand still."

Luckily there are some things that are making progress...inexplicably my hair and nails have actually started to grow again. While it appears that my hair is coming back curly, I am anxious to have anything more than a wig or baseball cap on my head!!

PCR Peeps are Representin!!

Three of my co-workers completed the Revlon Run/Walk for Woman last weekend...

thanks so much for your support Allyson, Maile, and Sandy!!

Finally recuperating

So the cumulative effects of the chemotherapy are really starting to hit me now. The last chemotherapy really kicked my @ss as I was pretty much out for the entire week afterward. This weekend is finally the first time I am starting to feel back to normal. It's been frustrating as I was really enjoying my walks which I have not had the energy to do and therefore, have been mainly secluded in my place. The only thing I have had to look forward to is my indescribable craving for ice cream shakes...thankfully there is an In-N-Out right around the corner and I highly recommend the new berry shake that Arby's has. Given my lack of appetite for anything else, I don't feel too gluttonous for my daily indulgence in a shake :)

I do have to mention some amazing news that I received last weekend. My sister called me from her best friends wedding in tears and while they were tears of joy it was the gift that the couple gave to me on their wedding day that had us both honored to have such amazing friends. Oh man, I am already tearing up again...Jody and her husband donated to the Breast Cancer Foundation under my name. I am in awe at such a selfless gift on a day that is to be dedicated to the couple. I am sure that Jody and Brian Davis will have a blessed union with such amazing hearts!!

Shout out to the baldy :)

So Brooke and I always comment how runners are the rudest people as they never say "hi" as they pass each other. So you can imagine my trepidation of going on my morning walk without my head being covered. But seriously...its like 80 degrees here and this morning it was just too hot to wear a baseball cap for my four mile power walk. So I lathered up the skull with some sun block and very self-consciously left my place. My first encounter was with a guy riding a Harley-Davidson who whistled at me from the intersection, which admittedly still didn't leave me uber confident...And yet, the first runner to pass me by not only looked me in my eyes, she even actually said "good morning." Even the yuppy moms on their morning walks at least acknowledged me and scooted their kids out of my way-which is more than they usually do. The next runner I came upon was a young BALD USC student and I got the double thumbs up-yah baby!!

I doubt that any of the people that said "good morning" to me or even just nodded their head as I passed by understood why my head is bald and how hard it is each morning for me to get out there for that walk, but this morning I must have done 12 minute miles and I hardly felt winded. That's when I realized that its going to be one cool summer with my bald head!!

Still feeling the love!!

It continues to amaze me the amount of support I have received. I continue to get care packages on an almost daily basis. Most notably I received a huge box from the librarians (and their friends) at the Pierce County library. It was full of hand knitted caps, comfy pajamas, and games to keep me occupied. Then today I received approximately 20 pounds of homemade bars from family to make sure I keep my appetite :)

Regardless, I have to admit that there are times when I am sitting in my condominium with just Sven and Oli to keep me company and pangs of loneliness creep up. But all I have to do is look around my place to see all of the cards, my collection of hats, and the continued supply of food to know that I am not alone in this struggle-that I am truly blessed to have the support of family, friends, and friends of friends, from around the world.

Successful Head Shaving Party!!

So the posse and some of the PCR peeps got together to shave my head...and after a few shots of vodka we commenced with the razor :)