My last transmission

I am of course elated being back to work and back to my old routine. Most of the time, it appears that the last eight months didn't occur. But then there are days like yesterday...where my oncologist called to tell me that my hormone levels were too high and she recommended that I have my ovaries taken out. Evidently chopping off my boobs and losing my hair wasn't emasculating enough-now they want my ovaries!! Then Brooke called in desparation. Being exhausted from taking care of my ass for eight months she now has to find the strength to pick up her life where she left and decide what direction to take it. In so many ways I feel that she has paid a higher price for "my" cancer. I concluded my day by going to a young women's cancer support group, which I thought would make me feel better. Unfortunately like therapy, things get worse before they get better. My life has become so juxtaposed so quickly that its been hard to acknowledge what I have been through. Therefore, telling other young women who were just starting their treatment; how to "manage" chemotherapy, that losing your hair really does suck, that you will only realize what it means to lose all feeling in your breasts after your mastectomy, or being told that you won't be able to have kids before you even get a chance to start procreating, brought back the last eight months like a swift kick in the ass!! As such, I left the meeting yesterday feeling rather exhausted. Exhausted because it really dawned on me that the emotional scars (and not only my own) may take longer to get rid of than the physical scars.

Needless to say I concluded my day with a nice bottle of wine! And as I sat in my place, with my two boys, getting shnockered, I had a reality check. That I am so lucky to have been able to reach out to so many people as I went through this experience to share my traumas, fears, hopes, and dreams. So many people of which many I am sure I will probably never get to meet but who took part in this journey with me. How lucky I am that I had so many people to listen to my "therapy" sessions and who undoubtedly provided me with the strength and courage that got me through to last night. So while undoubtedly the physical and emotional scars will probably continue to haunt me for the rest of my life, at least I will have a life left to haunt!!

loveme

lmanderson87@gmail.com

Working and couldn't be happier!!

I NEVER thought I would be so excited to work!! But it just feels amazing to have my life back and have a real schedule again. I worked two (mostly) full days last week and a full nine hour day yesterday. However, today I realized that my strength is not completely back and finally made it into work at noon today :) Ironically-getting back to a schedule has been extremely freeing, knowing that I can finally do (almost) all the things I used to do before I started treatment. So in order to commemorate finally being done and in acknowledgment of it being Breast Cancer Awareness month-I got one more tattoo :-)

I am done...really!!

So honestly, as of last week, I didn't think I was going to make it...thankfully Brooke came and kicked my ass to keep on moving and get through that last week. And finally, here I am, officially done with my cancer treatment. As soon as I walked out of that last radiation treatment this morning, I felt so light that the weight of the treatment is over!! I am looking forward to getting back to my life...or even having a life again!! Even though I still don't have enough energy to stay conscious for more than a few hours, I feel as if I can concur the world. And in order to ensure that I will be physically strong enough for world domination, Brooke and I have agreed to sign up for a mini-triathlon next September. I look forward to being able to say I completed a triathlon one year after I completed my cancer treatment. ROCK ON!!

Wicked

So the last week of radiation has been especially brutal and therefore, looking forward to my last three treatments next week! I have literally had just enough energy to move from my bed to the couch. Thankfully, with Brooke here though, the house is staying relatively clean and the cats are staying very well fed :) In addition, Brooke did get me motivated to leave the sanctuary of my enclave by bribing me with tickets to Wicked. I have to admit that it felt good to have an excuse to take a shower and get cleaned up along with getting a little blinged out. As you can see, I got to wear my rhinestones which matched my "ruby" slippers!! While the two and a half hour drive made us a little nervous that we were going to make it, the show was well worth the drive and had us all cheering for Alphaba singing isn't it good to be green.

Sister to the rescue...again

So I acquiesced and called my sister today to see if she could come out early...the exhaustion has gotten to the point where I can no longer take care of myself and it's so hard to admit defeat. But the truth is that today I barely even had the energy to make my weekly homage to the Iron Mule (the local dive bar that I have visited every Monday for years). That was even after I slept to almost 2 p.m. Even the smallest of errands, such as going to the bank, cleaning the cat box, folding the laundry has required more energy than I presently have. I actually almost ran out of gas today because even stopping for gas has become a chore. So I actually stopped on my way back from radiation, in my pajamas because there is no way I have the energy to change out of my pjs at 7:30 a.m. And I have to admit that I was so tired I didn't care who saw me in my pajamas, with a bald head, and a burned chest.

But now with Brooke coming, I am looking forward to eating something other than Lean Cuisines-hint, hint, wink, wink, Brooke you are going to have to cook :) I am sure the cats will be happier with a clean litter box...and maybe, just maybe, if Brooke is the most amazing sister that I know she is, my car will actually get washed. Of course I don't want to be too hopeful!

Glowing tits

So I am officially two weeks into my six weeks of radiation and I am EXHAUSTED! While radiation does not have the same side effects of chemotherapy, radiation does induce a state of constant exhaustion. Currently, my Monday through Friday schedule includes going to my radiation appointment at 8:15 a.m. and "driving" home trying to keep my eyes open until I make it back to my bed where I will sleep until noon. For some reason this schedule is hitting me harder than the chemotherapy because at least then I had a two week break. This constant exhaustion and treatment every day has little miss "Errand Girl" feeling like I am sleep walking through life.

All of the cancer preparedness books that I read indicated that the closer you get to finishing your treatment, the more depressed you get at trying to figure out what a "normal" life is going to be like after everything you've been through. I wonder when I will feel feminine again having lost my hair, natural breasts, and gained weight. I lament the loss of relationships that have occurred because people couldn't handle "my cancer" and the year of my life that I have spent on this couch instead of living.

It's been crazy!!

The last two weeks have been quite a whirlwind. On the 22nd, Brooke and I headed out on our cross country adventure. While there are a million stories to tell, honestly the majority of them were moments where you just had to be there. Such as when I drank a little too much caffeine one day and entertained Brooke by doing my infamous Beavis impersonation screaming to the horrible driver next to us, "I need t.p. for my bunghole!!" Needless to say, spending eight to 16 hours a day in a car left us more than a little slap happy...at times, Brooke and I couldn't even look at each other without busting up :)

The road trip also allowed us to visit some family. We got to stop at Dotsero in Colorado to visit Uncle Hank and have dinner at "The Club" (a.k.a., a wrangler ranch where the meals are cooked by whomever is there that day and you have to bring your own beer). After we got to Virginia, we then flew up to Boston to watch Mike defend his Ph.D. thesis at MIT. While that was an hour and a half of my life that I will never get back since I got lost when he read his title, I was honestly so glad to be there to support Mike since he has been so gracious and supportive by letting me steal his wife for the last six months. After celebrating Mike's accomplishment, we headed to Amherst to visit the ol' COB or in other words, Harry Vernell. True to form, grandpa was charming as always in his politically incorrect way.

Alas, after nine crazy days, I flew back to the O.C. to tackle my next round of doctor appointments in preparation for my radiation treatment. I have had body scans, my left breast measured a million different ways, and I now have stickers all over my chest and stomach, which will be replaced with tattoos on Monday. I never would have figured when I got my first tattoo this year, that by the end of the year I would have a total of 11 tattoos. In between the doctor appointments I have been trying to work out as much as possible in order to be as strong for the next round of treatments and also get rid of the obligatory weight gain associated with the medications I am on...the doctor says I am lucky because most people gain 30 pounds yet even eight pounds has me self conscious and that much more motivated to keep up my walking!!

On the road again...

So tomorrow morning Brooke and I are headed out to go check out the world's biggest ball of yarn, Paul Bunyon and his blue ox, and gorge on grilled cheese sandwiches. In the meantime, Brooke and I celebrated our birthday with amazing friends and the llama (a.k.a. SUV stretched limo that seats 20 people complete with lava lamps and disco ball). It was an amazing night filled with tons of laughter, drinking, and dancing.

Having such a wonderful birthday with my friends and family (even Mike, Brooke's husband made it out!!) and now headed out on such an adventure has renewed my spirits and got me anxious to just finish out the rest of my treatment.

So close yet so far away

So I got the official word that I am also to undergo radiation treatment...my hopes of this whole ordeal being over in a few more weeks is over. I wouldn't be so devastated if they had told me from the beginning that I would also have to do radiation but to find out when I thought I was only six weeks away from total recovery has honestly left me numb. I thought the physical and emotional toll of this ordeal would be complete by now and now I have to come up with more strength-where will it come from?

I will have a bit of a respit before I start radiation though. I won't start radiation until August 4th, so I will still get to enjoy Brooke's and my birthday-which will regardless, be one hell of a party!! Then Brooke and I will road trip across the country so that I will have time to hang out in Virginia before starting the next round of treatment. We can't wait to find the world's biggest ball of yarn, stop by Paul Bunyon and his blue ox, and gorge on grilled cheese sandwiches so that we can write the authoritative book.

I have always joked that my life is all about damage control-I guess its no longer a joke.

I am done!*

This morning I was so ecstatic to think that this constant cycle will finally be over. I met with the posse and we had our usual breakfast at Mimi's Cafe and after two mimosas, headed to the doctors...

*After finally meeting my oncologist for the first time since my first chemotherapy she announced that I will likely have to go through 6 1/2 weeks of radiation, five days a week. This was devastating news because I had it planned to get my reconstructive surgery in six weeks and then finally be done. Instead, I will have to endure more painful treatment and I will not be able to get my reconstructive surgery for a year after my last radiation treatment.

On Thursday, I will be going to a specialist who will confirm whether or not I will have to do radiation. Until then, I am just going to celebrate that at least the chemotherapy is complete and this will be the last week of metallic taste, nausea, and extreme fatigue.

Nearing the Finish Line

So I am less than a week away from my last chemotherapy and I find myself experiencing an array of emotions. Most obviously, I am extremely excited to end the three week rounds of chemotherapy. But another odd emotion is also hitting me...it's a sense of loss that is really starting to hit me. I have begun to really miss my old ta tas. I guess when I had the mastectomy, there was so much more I still had to go through that I never had time to really deal with the loss. Now that the treatment is over, it's really starting to hit me how my breasts will never feel natural again, that I will never be able to sleep on my stomach, or breast feed in the unlikely chance that I will be able to bear children.

I am also starting to feel a sense of loss of control. I have spent the last six months fighting this cancer and after this last treatment, I won't be doing anything proactive to fight the cancer. I have spent all my energy, time, and emotions to fight this endless division of my cells...it's hard to imagine what comes afterwards.

However, I do look forward to my change in title from someone WITH breast cancer to a SURVIVOR of breast cancer!! In this regard, I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen cancer walk on September 8th. I can't wait to wear the pink survivor t-shirt :) I can't say enough how much support I have received and how important it has been getting me through this. I ask now for your final support to help other women with breast cancer become survivors. If you would like to support my team or contribute, please go to my Personal Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/Team_Lindsay or my Team Page Link at: http://www.ockomen.org/race/TeamLindsay.

Running to stand still...

My life has become a repeat of three weeks-over and over again. Week 1 - Starts on the Friday I receive my chemotherapy. Usually after the 4-5 hour treatment, I celebrate that I still have taste buds and energy and will enjoy my last meal for the next week. Over the following week, I will continue to weaken and the metallic taste gets so bad that even water upsets my stomach. By the second week, I begin to regain my appetite and will start walking again. By week 3, I feel almost healthy again and can finally complete my four mile walks. This repeat of sickness and fighting to get strong again just to get sick again leaves me feeling like I am "running to stand still."

Luckily there are some things that are making progress...inexplicably my hair and nails have actually started to grow again. While it appears that my hair is coming back curly, I am anxious to have anything more than a wig or baseball cap on my head!!

PCR Peeps are Representin!!

Three of my co-workers completed the Revlon Run/Walk for Woman last weekend...

thanks so much for your support Allyson, Maile, and Sandy!!

Finally recuperating

So the cumulative effects of the chemotherapy are really starting to hit me now. The last chemotherapy really kicked my @ss as I was pretty much out for the entire week afterward. This weekend is finally the first time I am starting to feel back to normal. It's been frustrating as I was really enjoying my walks which I have not had the energy to do and therefore, have been mainly secluded in my place. The only thing I have had to look forward to is my indescribable craving for ice cream shakes...thankfully there is an In-N-Out right around the corner and I highly recommend the new berry shake that Arby's has. Given my lack of appetite for anything else, I don't feel too gluttonous for my daily indulgence in a shake :)

I do have to mention some amazing news that I received last weekend. My sister called me from her best friends wedding in tears and while they were tears of joy it was the gift that the couple gave to me on their wedding day that had us both honored to have such amazing friends. Oh man, I am already tearing up again...Jody and her husband donated to the Breast Cancer Foundation under my name. I am in awe at such a selfless gift on a day that is to be dedicated to the couple. I am sure that Jody and Brian Davis will have a blessed union with such amazing hearts!!

Shout out to the baldy :)

So Brooke and I always comment how runners are the rudest people as they never say "hi" as they pass each other. So you can imagine my trepidation of going on my morning walk without my head being covered. But seriously...its like 80 degrees here and this morning it was just too hot to wear a baseball cap for my four mile power walk. So I lathered up the skull with some sun block and very self-consciously left my place. My first encounter was with a guy riding a Harley-Davidson who whistled at me from the intersection, which admittedly still didn't leave me uber confident...And yet, the first runner to pass me by not only looked me in my eyes, she even actually said "good morning." Even the yuppy moms on their morning walks at least acknowledged me and scooted their kids out of my way-which is more than they usually do. The next runner I came upon was a young BALD USC student and I got the double thumbs up-yah baby!!

I doubt that any of the people that said "good morning" to me or even just nodded their head as I passed by understood why my head is bald and how hard it is each morning for me to get out there for that walk, but this morning I must have done 12 minute miles and I hardly felt winded. That's when I realized that its going to be one cool summer with my bald head!!

Still feeling the love!!

It continues to amaze me the amount of support I have received. I continue to get care packages on an almost daily basis. Most notably I received a huge box from the librarians (and their friends) at the Pierce County library. It was full of hand knitted caps, comfy pajamas, and games to keep me occupied. Then today I received approximately 20 pounds of homemade bars from family to make sure I keep my appetite :)

Regardless, I have to admit that there are times when I am sitting in my condominium with just Sven and Oli to keep me company and pangs of loneliness creep up. But all I have to do is look around my place to see all of the cards, my collection of hats, and the continued supply of food to know that I am not alone in this struggle-that I am truly blessed to have the support of family, friends, and friends of friends, from around the world.

Successful Head Shaving Party!!

So the posse and some of the PCR peeps got together to shave my head...and after a few shots of vodka we commenced with the razor :)

Waaahhhh!!

So what I have been dreading the most has finally begun to happen...I am losing my hair :( I don't know why but losing my hair is the most traumatic thing I have experienced so far. The mastectomy didn't even scare me as much as what I will look like bald.

However, the good news is that I am starting to get my strength back and I was able to go for a 40 minute walk today! I also began my physical therapy but they say that it will take months before I get full mobility in my back and shoulders. So what this means is that I am stuck at home very bored!! Without Brooke around, my entertainment now consists of taking over her job of harassing the cats and playing lots of solitaire games :)

There's family and then there's family...

A member of my "family"at Pierce County Library is the fab-u-lous movie and music librarian Kati Irons. Kati is going to do the three day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer research in September. She mentions Lindsay and my cancer in her blog as a reason that she is doing this. This walk is no small thing. It takes a lot of training and time and I am overwhelmed by her wish to do this. Anyway she has a blog that is very fun where she explains more about this project, so please check it out!!!

http://populucious.blogspot.com/2008/03/plug-and-then-back-to-regular-scheduled.html

Thank you Kati, and people after us will thank you too!! Love you Patti

In the clear...

Having heard so many horror stories about the effects of chemotherapy, I am greatful to report that the only effects that I have experienced thus far is a nasty metallic taste in my mouth and skin sensitivity (even the cats licking feels like my skin is burning off). For the most part I spent the weekend napping with no signs of nausea or bone pain!!

I also continue to make baby steps in my rehabilitation from the surgeries. I am able to finally pull a shirt over my head by myself and can now make it an entire day without a nap. Yesterday was especially exciting when I got to drive my car for the first time in almost two months-albeit it took both hands to put my car in reverse and release my emergency brake. However, the most frustrating part of the rehabilitation is how my body no longer feels like my body. I am in a constant state of uncomforableness due to the skin sensitivity, pulled back muscles, strained ribs, and random streaks of pain. I also still don't have feeling in most of my chest from the mastectomy, which makes the expanders feel like metal balls in my chest. Even the fact that I no longer enjoy my favorite foods because of the metallic taste in my mouth makes it feel like this is no longer my body but somebody elses.

The good news is that I am finally strong enough and mobile enough to take care of myself so that Brooke will finally be able to go home...I think the cats are the most excited about this news since they will no longer be subjected to Brooke's "affection" and Brooke is uber excited since she will be able to get a full nights sleep without Sven wacking her head and sleeping on her face :)